My first love
by suena
Summary: Rin sesshomaru's mate feels replaced by a new demoness and takes her leave over years she tells her life. Alot better than it sounds! May make you cry, also I had help from Duelle so you know its good! SXR!


_I wonder where your heart is  
cause it sure don't feel like it's here  
Sometimes I think you wish  
that I would just disappear   
Have I got it all wrong  
Have you felt this way long  
Are you already gone  
_

I watched as Lord Sesshomaru made his way threw the fields of weeds, so graceful and elegant. I on the other hand was having a terrible time, I cut my leg on a stick and had a few stickers on the tips of my kimono.

"Rin, keep up or be left behind." Lord Sesshomaru said.

"Yes milord!" I piped. 'Im always slowing him down. Why can't I just, oh forget it.'

I am Rin, my age now is 19, for eleven years I have been following Lord Sesshomaru, I am also his mate.

Jaken who was to take watch of the us from the rear squawked about something meaningless and grabbed my wrist pulling me onto Ah and Un.

As night fell and I had managed to catch us all a few fish to eat, I rose to sit next to Lord Sesshomaru, it's odd but I never got rid of his formal name, even though I am his lover, it just always felt wrong.

I plopped myself before him and bowed before curling up next to him. I felt sleep coming to claim me when movement stopped me dead in my tracks.

Lord Sesshomaru rose and walked to a tree a few feet from me before closing his eyes again.

I felt a twinge of hurt in my chest, 'Does…do I not please him anymore?' I thought before falling asleep on the cold ground.

The morning brought peace and lovely warmth to the western lands. I got up quietly and walked to a nearby river, quickly discarding my robe I walked out into the middle of the pleasingly cold waters.

A tune came to my mind so I begun to sing softly careful not to raise my voice in fear of waking my companions. I washed my body by scrubbing my hands over my shoulders and legs then running my fingers through my hair letting the dirt or anything else that had collected in it drift off into the water.

As I was washing my chest a light crescent scar stopped me on my left breast. Sesshomaru's mark.

I felt the tears welling up, lately he'd been ignoring me, as if I was a pest. He didn't want to bed me at all even when we were in the safe chambers of his room. He would just turn his back to me and stare out into the vast skies. It made me feel so hollow and sad. Of course I never mentioned or let on about my growing worry of him wanting to leave me.

_  
Do you feel lonely  
when you're here by my side  
Does the sound of freedom  
echo in your mind  
Do you wish you were by yourself   
or that I was someone else  
anyone else  
_

Recently Lord Sesshomaru ahs moved me to the room across from his own. I sleep there and only see the Lord when I eat.

We have also acquired a new maid for Lord Sesshomaru, her name is Isme. She is a full demon, and oh Kami she is the most magnificent, most beautiful thing in this world.

I feel as if I have just had the wind knocked out of me. I see his eyes light up ever so much when she is around. I see her delicate glances towards him, and her warry glimpses towards me.

I sat in my room brushing my hair when I heard the noise, a light thud against the wall outside my door, then a scream, no not a scream of pain though, like a sensual scream, the ones I used to let out to please my Lord.

I felt the drops hit the hard wood floor as I made my way out of the castle and into the gardens, I wept there until I slept.

I awoke in my own room covers pulled over me as if I had never even left my room.

Oh how I wish I hadn't, I wish it was a dream, but I knew it wasn't because of two reasons, my eyes were puffy and stung , number two Isme wasn't bustling around the house trying to clean everything, and milord wasn't out of bed.

Sucking in a deep breath I asked for someone to prepare my bath, and in I went.

Letting the warmth of the water clasp my body I felt the pain engulf me.

"Why?" I asked the walls as if they could give me a straight answer, "What did I do wrong? What did I do to upset my Lord...Sesshomaru..?" I chocked out the last word so painfully.

It's too bad the waters could only warm my body and not my aching spirit.

__

Where would you be  
If you weren't here with me  
where would you go   
If you were single and free  
who would you love  
would it be me  
Where would you be

I don't wanna hold you back  
no, I don't wanna slow you down  
I don't wanna make you feel  
like you are tied up and bound  
Cause that's not what love's about  
If there's no chance we can work it out  
tell me now  
Oh tell me tell me now

I was moved again, down the hall from Lord Sesshomaru, the room meant for me was rebuilt for it had grown old and now it shone with radiant beauty, all this to cover up the fact that my Lord no longer wanted me, I stayed in the castle all day and only came out when it was in the late of night.

Sleeping in the daytime I learned to adjust my whole schedule, I slept form sun up to the late days when the sun was already beginning to disappear, my songs of joy where no long heard on the castle, or even sang, no they were replaced with songs of a broken heart, not even using words but sounds and aching moans. I taught myself to dance, yes I could now freely move around in the fields surrounding the western palace, jumping and landing on the tips of my feet as if I was a beautiful dove.

One night I was out and about, moving and making my way to the outer castle, I reached a small stream which held a small otter, I remember the day I had found her, her eyes were so sad as if she had been abandoned, I carried her off to my room in the palace, wrapping her wounded side and foot. Day after day I saw her grow more energetic and she stayed by my side whenever I walked in the late nights.

I knelt down that night and called for her in our own special way, I would sing in a strong vibrating 'ah', and she would come.

As she approached from a bed of moss she suddenly froze and snarled towards me. Backing away I felt my heart drop, 'Not you too. Will you leave me as well?" I whispered to her.

"And who has left you Rin?" A deep voice questioned.

I gasped and turned to see Lord Sesshomaru, I hadn't seen him for months, since I begun my nocturnal state. I dropped to my knees and bowed my head deeply, "Please forgive me my lord I am sorry for my naive friends bared fangs! Please do not hurt her!"

"Rise Rin." Was all he said.

"Please my Lord." I whispered, I just wanted him to leave me alone.

"Rise." I knew he hated to have to restate himself so I brought myself up.

He reached out and ran his hands over my stomach. His eyes narrowed.

"You have lost too much weight. Come." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me along.

"Please, Lord Sesshomaru! Let me stay with the otter! She gets lonely all by herself!" I pleaded with my feeble excuse.

Lord Sesshomaru stopped and looked me over with an emotionless face.

I felt tears well up in my eyes. I didn't even know why I was crying…I knew it wasn't because of my otter friend, no. It was because I knew Lord Sesshomaru didn't love me anymore, or ever will. His heart soared to another's, another who I knew from the way all the servants acted around me was pregnant with Lord Sesshomaru's heir.

He let his grip go and I dropped to my knees in thanks.

"Rin…" He didn't even finish his sentence. He left me alone that night, in so many other ways than just that one.

He had let go. And I was determined to do the same, but I knew how much pain I was about to endure.

Walking back to the stream I called again for the otter and smiled wistfully as she emerged with another one. Bending over I kissed the top of her head, "I need to give you a name do I not?" Thinking I smiled, "How about…hmm…." I snapped my fingers and giggled pulled her out of the water and into my lap, "How about Luna?"

She apparently liked it.

"Well then Luna, Im going to tell you a secret," bending down to her small ear hole I cupped my hand around my mouth and she nodded as if she understood, "I have no place here anymore, so I am going to leave at sundown tomorrow."

__

Have I become the enemy  
Is it hard to be yourself  
in my company

oh tell me tell me now  
Where would you be  
Where would you go  
Who would you love  
Would it be me? 

That night I left Luna an hour earlier and returned to the castle to gather a few things I would need, I walked to the kitchen and asked fro two loafs of bread, in my room I got one kimono and placed a small silver necklace that the Lord had given me, it was his mothers and my most precious item.

Walking out of my room I was on my way to the kitchen once again to get some water for my throat was parched, I heard the sounds of labored breathing and smelled the awful aroma of vomit.

Walking to the bathrooms I saw Isme, "Here." I said giving her a towel and helping her turn over.

"Thank you." She sighed.

I lowered so that my head wasn't even an inch higher than hers and bowed, "I don't deserve you thanks my lady." I said and scurried out of the room.

The next night I woke to fins Sesshomaru in my room staring at me, I shot up and scrambled to my knees bowing.

He growled and grabbed the back of my collar pulling me to my feet roughly. "You are my mate Rin! Show some dignity!" He growled once again.

"Sorry, milord." I whispered.

He gave me a hard look. "What is this I hear about you referring to Isme as your lady?" He asked.

I shook my head trying to rid myself of all the other emotions that ran threw my body until I knew I held none, "She is carrying your child Lord Sesshomaru, she IS my lady now, including all the other staff." I said bravely.

"No she is not!" He barked, red filled his eyes, "You are the lady of this castle!" He ripped off my kimono and pointed to my mark, "That proves it."

"It is only but a bite mark milord." I said wisely backing away from him.

"If you do not hold the gratitude of it and see it as only a bite mark then I will take back your title!" With that Sesshomaru bit me in the same exact spot where he had oh so many nights ago when we made love.

Pain engulfed my body I withered to the floor as Lord Sesshomaru left my room, I don't know how long I stayed like that but when I woke It was the next night I was in my beds with a new kimono on.

As I rose I pushed apart my kimono and saw that the mark was no longer there, I was no longer his lover.

A tear ripped me apart, I squatted and put my head between my legs trying not to hyperventilate. Tears escaped my body. I rose and grabbed the kimono that acted as a pouch to hold the bread, walking out I saw Isme again in the bathroom, throwing water on a towel I gave it to her and helped her into a sitting position.

"Are you well my Lady?" I asked her noticing a large red mark showing on her chest, the vomiting must have made her Kimono fall apart just enough to see the mark that made her official queen of these lands.

"Yes, thank you Rin." She whispered. She looked so fragile.

I smiled at her and rose but a thought struck me.

"My lady, I would like to give you a gift." I untied my makeshift bag and held the necklace up for her to see.

"Oh Rin, n-no! I can not take that it is yours! You can not give such a beautiful gem to me!" She said.

"Please my lady, let me." I asked bowing, she didn't know that it was Sesshomaru's mothers, that it was supposed to be passed down only to the one he loves, and this woman so beautiful standing in front of me was his love. I placed it on her neck and smiled. "It fits you so perfectly." I whispered for it did. A sob escaped my chest and I tried to run away from the bathroom but Isme caught my arm.

"Rin, you know don't you?"

"Know about what my lady?" I asked though I knew what she was talking about.

"Of Sesshomaru and I. Of my baby. Of my new title and your loss. Why do you not hate me?"

I felt tears trickle down my cheeks and fall from my chin, "Because my lady, I can not hate. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't hate you…or Sesshomaru." I smiled to her although I wanted to just fall in a crippled heap.

"Please forgive me." Isme said throwing herself to the floor.

"I already have, I know Lord Sesshomaru is a man that any woman can fall in love with, unfortunately I was born Human and not demon, maybe if I was a demon I could've held onto his heart, but that's just wishful thinking no?" I left her thinking that over and went out into the gardens taking one last breath of their beautiful fragrance in my nose, I walked one last time into the fields where it smelled so much like sun flowers, and lastly to the stream where Luna slept.

"Ahhhhhh….Ahhhhh." I sang aloud for her.

She came and left the water. She walked ahead of me and in the direction of the north as if knowing full well where we were going, and that we were leaving as well for she dragged a small pouch of moss in her mouth.

"Smart one." I whispered.

I turned back to the palace only to see Sesshomaru standing on his balcony watching my. I felt my heart race, my palms get sweaty, and a lump come in my throat. I forced it all back and smiled waved and sat down. I knew he could hear me even from this distance, over the months I had gathered all my young childish songs into one, it was short but beautiful, to me at least.

"_Once in a while  
You are in my mind  
I think about the days that we had  
And i dream that these would all come back to me  
If only you knew every moment in time  
Nothing goes on in my heart  
Just like your memories  
How I want here to be with you  
Once more _

You will always gonna be the one  
And you should know  
How I wish I could have never let you go  
Come into my life again  
Oh, don't say no  
You will always gonna be the one in my life  
So true, I believe i can never find  
Somebody like you  
my first love

Once in awhile  
Your are in my dreams  
I can feel the warmth of your embrace  
And I pray that it will all come back to me  
If only you knew every moment in time  
Nothing goes on in my heart  
Just like your memories  
And how I want here to be with you  
Once more  
yah yah yah

You will always be inside my heart  
And you should know  
How I wish I could have never let you go  
Come into my life again  
Please don't say no   
Now and forever you are still the one  
In my heart  
So true, I believe I could never find  
Somebody like you  
My first love  
oh oh

You will always gonna be the one  
And you should know  
How I wish I could have never let you go  
Come into my life again  
Oh, don't say no  
You will always gonna be the one  
So true, I believe I could never find  
Now and forever"

I sang to him what I though…and how I felt about him. I saw his hair sway in the wind, his eyes grew soft, he nodded to me and left the balcony.

I stood and smiled down at Luna, "Come on."

With that I left the gardens, the fields, the Palace, the love of my life, and my old life behind.

I don't know If Sesshomaru knew that I was leaving or not that night, I've heard news that Sesshomaru had sent men all over looking for me, but they stopped after about a year of searching, I also heard that the heir was born, it was a boy.

Years have passed since that last night, of course tears and depression had all but taken over my life for those first months of being without my love, but once I had them it all left me and I knew that Sesshomaru would always be apart of me.

Yes, I was pregnant with Sesshomaru's pups, and no he never knew. How I covered up their scent was simple, I used more scents and it stung Sesshomaru's nose to the point where he just blocked out my scent. I ate much less so that my stomach didn't grow, it hurt them I know but it was for the best. I never had the stomach sickness and that was a stroke of luck.

Twins, their names, Saiyuki, and Sezuna. Girls, they resemble their father, and yes their Hanyou.

Inuyasha and his wife Kagome had taken me in when I asked to stay in their quaint village.

Now I am 25 years old, I've learned so much from when I was that child of 19. I learned that sometimes life doesn't always go your way, and that once you love, you can never go back.

No Sesshomaru never left my heart, and no other man had ever taken his place, or ever will.

I watch as Luna teaches her offspring to dive and crack open shell fish, I glance towards the girls who are now 5 years old, they are playing with a stray dog that had come into our village a few days ago.

Their lucky and are not treated badly for Inuyasha is head of the village now that Lady Kaede has passed on and as their uncle Inuyasha's influenced all the villagers to treat each other with respect, demon, human or Hanyou.

Every night when I look up into the stars and think of Sesshomaru underneath that same exact sky and wonder what he is doing.

I always wonder if he ever truly loved me…at times I think not, but at others I think so.

Time has passed now, another 10 years have escaped me and I learned that I have an illness that will take my life very soon, it is called cancer, yes that is what Lady Kagome has told me, and unfortunately it has no cure, so I lay here now in my bed feeling death come for me.

Saiyuki and Sezuna are now 15, they are such beautiful girls, the lookers of the village, men seek them and they don't give in, like their father they are very cold, but inside they are very loving, they just have a hard time expressing themselves.

Sezuna takes after her father much more than Saiyuki, she has Silver hair a purple crescent on her forehead, no hot pink stripes on her cheeks though, small claws and fangs, she wields a sword named Torsega, yes she is a fine woman with unlimited strength.

Saiyuki on the other hand takes after me more, she has silver hair as well Deep hazel eyes and a Purple crescent on her forehead, she has long claws and fangs, but she is gifted in the healing arts, her sword is named Tosega .

When demons try to attack the village the two team up and help us out of out tight fix.

Yes they truly are his daughters.

As I lay here I know I am to die this night, Calling out, my two young ones come to me.

"Mother what is it!" Sezuna asks taking hold of my right hand while Saiyuki grabs my left one.

"Please girl, just stay with me for tonight." I ask, my voice is almost like a whisper. 

They nod and lay beside me, I can hear and smell their tears, I reach up to each of their faces and hold them to me. "Shhhh….It's alright girl, it's alright." I fall asleep that night holding them in my arms, soothing them.

Somewhere, at sometime my heart had given out that night and my soul was released.

My spirit drifted over the year, from when I was a young girl singing and prancing in a field of wild flowers and sakura trees, On to when I was 17 and Sesshomaru had taken me, I can see from where I am in the sky the nights when I begun to lose his love, I saw myself dancing in the fields, then I saw when I left, I saw Sesshomaru looking down at me, his eyes soft, my soul drifted over 2 months after to where I was giving birth, then I was at Luna's death, yes she lived long and died at age 7 an old lady in otter years I guess, her children stayed though, yes their still in the river by the village. Last I was in the Palace again, I walked along the corridors unchanged, then it hit me, this wasn't just memory….I was in the palace as a ghost.

I walked to where my old room was only to find everything as it was when I left it so many years before.

I left the room with tears in my eyes and walked down the hallway to Sesshomaru's room, I saw him sitting there in his bed, his gaze was faced to the sky.

I walked over to him, knowing he couldn't see me, I took in his scent, and gazed at the man who now and forever had my heart.

He suddenly whipped his head towards me causing me to stumble backwards.

"Rin." he said.

"Y-you can see me milord?!" I squeaked.

"Of course. Why had you gone!" He asked emotion flickered in his eyes.

I smiled to him, years of thinking about him had made me forgive him and even though that hurt was still in my heart I had learned to deal with it, it no longer made me cry, only from time to time. "Because it is what you wished."

"No. No it was not!" He growled.

"Milord, I have died." I said to him.

He looked as if someone had slapped him. "What! Who is the culprit Rin?" He asked rising.

I shook my head, "Lord Sesshomaru, Cancer is the culprit. I died of sickness in your brothers village, in the arms of my children…our children."

"What children?" He asked.

I smiled again, "When I left Sesshomaru, I was pregnant with twins, two girl named Saiyuki and Sezuna, they are Hanyou."

The wind seemed to pick up that moment.

Sesshomaru reached over to the side of his bed and into a drawer, his hand emerged with a silver necklace with a blue gem embedded into a heart. "When she came into the room and I saw this on her neck, I became enraged and new you were gone." He stood and reached a clawed hand out to me, it flew through my cheek.

Jerking back his hand Sesshomaru stared at his hand and then sat back down, "You are the first person who ever really hurt me in."

"And I am sorry milord." I looked into a mirror and saw that my image was fading. "I have little time left here Lord Sesshomaru." I whispered.

He looked me over and nodded.

I stood from my seat on his bed and begun to walk out of the chamber.

Sesshomaru stopped me, "Tell me Rin, did you hate me that much?"

" Could have never hated you milord. You hurt me emotionally so I thought it best if I took my leave and gave Isme the title that you wished for her to have."

"I wanted you to have that title Rin, Isme was only to bear me a youkai heir, and I knew you could only give me a Hanyou."

"Then I guess it wasn't the smartest idea eh?" I took my seat back on his bed and stared into his eyes, "Tell me Sesshomaru, did you ever truly love me? Did you have even the slightest feeling of devotion towards me?"

"Yes."

"was it…love?"

"……yes." Sesshomaru stared at my spirit. "You are a beautiful woman Rin. You were more than I felt I deserved."

I smiled, "I must go now Sesshomaru, I can feel my,…our children calling to me one last time."

He nodded and while I had begun to dissipate his last words had me ready to leave the planet knowing full well that it would be fine,

"I'll go to them tomorrow."

I smiled and nodded to him, I walked to him and placed a kiss on his lips before I was fully gone and in the small hut that held my body and my weeping children.

"Sezuna, Saiyuki." I called.

They stopped and looked to me mouths gaped and eyes wide.

"M-mother…?" Saiyuki asked.

I nodded and kissed her head then kissed Sezuna, "Please girl take care of each other, don't let my death throw you down. You two are my everything, when you have kids I want you to love them as I have you two. Life has no guarantees, but remember I'll always love you, that is something I can tell you that will never change."

They nodded.

"I love you mother." They said simultaneously.

"And I you two." I kissed them again and again, my spirit was weakening and so I was disappearing, I begun to hum a soft tone, the one I did to put them to sleep as babies, "_You will always be inside my heart And you should know How I wish I could have never let you go Come into my life again Please don't say no Now and forever you are still the one In my heart So true, I believe I could never find Somebody like you My first love."_

With that I could hear their soft breaths and I felt the last ounce of my soul drift away._  
_

**SUENA: Well my sister and I worked on this peace so I hope you enjoyed, the songs are First love by Utada Hikaru and Where would you be by Martina Mcbride**

**DUELLE: I came up with the plot, suena smothened out the edges. Adios and Gracias.**

**(We dont own Inuyasha or any of the characters.)**


End file.
